You need to read these tweets RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
And I don’t want to hear any arguments.
So go do it!
1. You sonofabitch!
Me: hurt me
Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows
Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 19, 2019
2. I ask for gum…
There are two kinds of people in this world: People who carry gum and people who always ask other people for gum.
— Krystie Lee Yandoli (@KrystieLYandoli) June 19, 2019
3. He does. He does…
Me explaining to ⠀ ⠀ ⠀My cat
my cat that I ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀pretending
won’t tell anyone ⠀⠀ ⠀he cant speak
if he can speak pic.twitter.com/X7PHTuEXZ9
— . (@PabloPiqasso) June 17, 2019
4. Fam is fam
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) June 19, 2019
5. Naw, it’s the first kind of description for me…
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”
saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
— the library haunter 🦉🎄❄ (@SketchesbyBoze) June 11, 2019
6. That skull-having motherfucker! That’s mine!
It’s crab season. Choose your fighter. pic.twitter.com/mhcRGbvRpC
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) June 21, 2019
7. If this doesn’t make you laugh, you dead.
“Don’t boil me I can do your taxes for you” pic.twitter.com/2S7vSa5H46
— Jalen Rose Lied/Chris Broussard lied (@Getthebagcoach) June 10, 2019
8. I hungry.
Me after one blunt pic.twitter.com/qxbi1l8Ldz
— CHILÉ SAUCE🇭🇹♿️ (@zayelchapo) June 1, 2019
9. Tweet! Tweet! Tweet!
“Street! Street! Street!” pic.twitter.com/1Yd4G0Uy9T
— Holly Brockwell (@holly) June 24, 2019
10. Ohhhh gurl!!! You got them ketchup fingers…
✨fresh set 💅🏻✨ pic.twitter.com/DptTWGl0Uc
— Lauren Nichole🌱 (@g0gurtz) June 23, 2019
11. I love this man
Using little plastic dinosaurs and some fishline, I made a scene for my wife’s car backup camera.
Now we wait. pic.twitter.com/b3effNfzQr
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) June 21, 2019
12. Don’t think you haven’t thought this before…
me before going through security at airport: what if i accidentally have a gun
— Natalie (@jbfan911) June 21, 2019
~Arch Nemesis Guide~
LEX LUTHOR: greed
SPIDER-MAN: he a bug
DR OCTOPUS: he a octapus
— Elvish Presley (@_elvishpresley_) June 27, 2019
See? I told you that you needed them tweets!