There’s a lot of talk about how the Internet and social media are total distractions. Usually that’s phrased in a negative light, but I say, who doesn’t need a distraction now and then? I mean truly NEED one?
One of my favorite distractions is checking out what brilliant little nuggets of bite-sized laughs twitter has been cranking out. Here’s a few great ones to help you be distracted in a good way:
11. Oh… no no no…
Forget your financial worries in an instant by trapping some pubic hair in your zip.
— Paul (@bingowings14) July 30, 2017
10. Nobody’s winning in this score
Wanted a toothbrush, got a cyberpunk future. pic.twitter.com/cwmKz3APVl
— E.Saxey (@esaxey) August 7, 2017
9. Please don’t look
do you ever wonder if the bank just looks through your account and thinks, "what the hell is this person doing"
— Reilly Small (@ReillySmall) March 27, 2017
8. “Checkout is 5 minutes after you wake up”
HOTELS: this is a place to relax, unwind, and take it easy
ALSO HOTELS: we stop serving breakfast at sunrise
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) March 6, 2019
7. BEHOLD! IT IS ON THE DRESSER!
Graduation, marriage, childbirth… I’ve had a lot of significant moments in my life, but none have been as rewarding as that ONE time my wife said she couldn’t find something, and I found it.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) June 10, 2019
6. Start practicing your sick voice
When the drinks are going down way too easy at happy hour pic.twitter.com/Ao2VyKWRbZ
— Dr Grayfang (@DrGrayfang) February 27, 2020
5. Mind your business, Netflix
did my mom send this pic.twitter.com/SrytbLHGre
— heather schmelzlen (@anchorlines) February 27, 2020
4. Dodged a bullet
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
— 𝕤𝕦𝕟𝕗𝕝𝕠𝕨𝕖𝕣 (@spinubzilla) February 29, 2020
When I was younger I thought cops were legally allowed to commit crimes and get away with it and then I got older and found out that wasn’t true and then I got even older and found out it was
— Jules (@Julian_Epp) June 6, 2018
2. How bout shut your mouth
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
— sophie thompson (@sophxthompson) May 16, 2018
1. Villains have feelings too
PETER PAN: we meet again, Captain Hook
CAPTAIN HOOK: well well well– wait u guys call me Hook?
PETER PAN: yeah
CAPTAIN HOOK: because of the hand?
PETER PAN: …i'm sorr-
CAPTAIN HOOK: wow ok hey my dads dead too why not call me captain dead dad
— eli the cutie pie (@jazz_inmypants) July 25, 2019
There, now you’ve replaced whatever was swirling around in your head with visions of these scenarios put on the internet by strangers. Isn’t modern life miraculous?
What’s your favorite tweet recently?
Tell us in the comments.