You have to imagine that police get some pretty hilariously dumb calls that come in for help. These are probably largely due to the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, or maybe people who spend just a little too much time watching Cops.
Whatever the reason, I sure hope these 12 cops realize that keeping a sense of humor is the only way to stay sane.
1. Cuckoo is right
“Used to be a cop…answered a call from an old lady who claimed someone broke into her house and stole the insides of her Cuckoo Clock.”
2. At least someone was having a great night
“Was enroute to a domestic argument between husband and wife called in by a neighbor. Screams, swearing, hitting.
Arrived to a dude in his boxers by himself watching Game of Thrones on his surround sound.”
3. Baby squirrels are a menace
“Most of the situations I respond to are a huge waste of time. Here are some examples.
The sand in the outdoor volleyball court was too hot
Someone was chased by a baby squirrel
A tourist saw some form of wildlife in a mountain town
I’ve been to probably close to 100 reports of a stolen car where someone just forgot where they parked.
A suspicious person “who was not known to the area” was the callers next door neighbor.
Source; Been a cop for 10 years in two states.”
4. So, not really a loss
“I responded to a sexual assault in progress in an alley – caller said she heard grunting and what sounded like woman yelling for help. Dispatch alert toned the call and I went all out to get there as fast as possible.
When I pulled into the alley, brakes were smoking and I was ready to kick some ass. I jumped out of the car and ran to the sounds, which were still intense and close by. I rounded the corner to find two raccoons straight up duking it out. I’m talking squared-off, throwing punches, etc. It sounded terrible but it was awesome to watch.”
5. There are no words
“Oh boy. I’m not a cop anymore due to medical reasons but it’s hard answering this question with only one story.
I’ll try make this short. We went out to this house on a domestic because a woman and her husband were getting into it and arguing. They said they weren’t physically fighting but when I got there I thought differently because of the amount of shit thrown all over the place. The male half had some bleeding above his eye. So I’m talking to them and of course they’re giving me conflicting stories like they always fuckin’ do, and the woman says something along the lines of, “I just had it I fucking snapped and threw the damn fan at his face!” Now this is one of those big fans with maybe like a four feet pole as a stand, used usually for an entire room (can’t think of what they’re called right now). She said that when they were arguing she went into the living room to get away from her husband, sit down, and cool off. But the dude comes over with the fan, positions it next to her face, turns it on, and proceeds to fart into the fan. So she flipped. I look at the dude and he’s just kind of standing there, giving me that face of guilt like he’s acknowledging the fact that I’m judging him but he’s too embarrassed to vocally admit he did in fact fart into the fan to piss off his wife.
Firstly, they were both in the late 30’s, and this is was the reason why I’m at their place. Secondly, she just admitted to assaulting her husband so unfortunately she’s gotta go to jail. I wouldn’t say that the call itself was a waste of time, it was a genuine domestic with an offense we could charge. But the circumstances that led up to it were fucking stupid.
So next time it takes them forever to get to your house for your theft report or whatever, remember that people like them exist and keep us busy.
Edit: Thank you for that shiny precious gold!”
6. Try not to bite off your tongue
“Not a very long or crazy one, but today I responded to a woman “locked out” of her vehicle. Took me quite some time to get across town, find her in the giant mall parking lot, etc. The woman is crying hysterically when I get there about how scared she is about “never being able to drive her car again”. I calm her down, take a look at the car, and open the passenger door. Just, open it. She only locked the driver door on accident and didn’t try any of the other doors to open the car.”
7. Well it was a pop…
“Obligatory “not a cop,” but…
When I was a kid, my mom called the cops because she heard popping sounds she thought were gunshots in our garage. She rushed my brother and I into the car (in the driveway) and waited for the cops.
Turns out, she forgot a case of diet 7Up in our garage and the popping noises were the cans exploding.”
8. It was only the wind
“Former cop. I was dispatched to a burglary in progress. A lady called and said she was locked inside her bedroom and people were rummaging through her living room of her apartment. She is hysterical and begging for us to rescue her. I mean she is beyond frantic. So me and my partner are racing there as fast as possible. Lights and sirens hoping to get there before she is brutally murdered. We get there, surround the apartment and I’m about to kick the door in. Then the door opens and the lady is standing there with the most embarrassed look on her face, hair a mess, disheveled pajamas. She forgot that she decided it was hot and opened her balcony door which created the desired breeze she wanted and blew some papers off her coffee table. That was it. The wind.
TLDR; dispatched to burglary in progress, lady is hysterical. Turns out the wind blew papers off a table.”
9. And your parents said your acting classes went to waste
“My dad used to tell a story about a lady who would call in to dispatch fairly regularly (Weekly or Monthly, I forget which) complaining of monkeys overrunning her house.
My dad would arrive, of course there were no monkeys (The lady had some sort of mental issues), but she would point out where she saw them, and he would dutifully ‘chase’ them from the house until she said he got them all.”
10. All part of the job
“I’m a dispatcher, not a cop, but I once had to send an officer out to a lady’s house because she had left town that morning and suddenly couldn’t remember if she’d closed her refrigerator door before she left. The call came in at like 1am and she wanted us to send someone out to look in her windows to see if the fridge was closed (and possibly break in to close it if it was open, to which we said no fucking way).
An officer was sent. The fridge was, in fact, closed.”
11. At least her priorities were straight
“Another dispatcher here.
Lady wanted to report a burg (not in progress) claiming multiple items stolen from her home.
It was 2 cans of Mountain Dew and a box of Cheez-Its.”
12. Grumpy old men
“Not a cop, but had my old neighbor call the cops on me for cutting my grass shorter than his so his house looked “trashy” in comparison and I refused to adjust my lawnmower because I didn’t want to cut my grass twice as often. Cops show up and talk him, knock on my door preface it all by “Your neighbor is an absolute idiot, but we have to talk to everyone involved…” Then continued with me and the cops joking on my porch for 10 minutes about random shit while my neighbor watched fuming. He was then given a verbal trespass warning and told to not come to my door anymore. The rest of the neighborhood heard of the cops ordering him to leave me alone and anytime he went on his weekly crusade to tell people what’s wrong with their yard in comparison to his they called and had him given trespass warnings so the next call would be criminal/arrest. He moved after he couldn’t be the self appointed lawn cop of the place, no we didn’t live in an HOA.”