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15 of the Best Insults Without Cursing

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Cursing can be pretty darn fun, and cathartic, and it’s often just what the doctor ordered. That being said, there are some situations (mostly involving children and the elderly) where it’s not wise, welcome, or permitted.

For those instances, isn’t it nice to have some insults in your back pocket that sound “clean,” even if they’re definitely not? I think so, and these 15 people have some pretty awesome suggestions.

#15. Maybe.

“Maybe the grass is greener because you’re not over there messing it up”

#14. Twice a week.

“If you were any dumber we’d have to water you twice a week”

#13. How valiant.

“You’re the defender of your own virginity.”

#12. So serious.

“Bless your heart.”

#11. Take that!

“Cotton headed ninny muggins.”

#10. Pretty good comebacks.

“I have red hair and got the “carrot top” insult a lot when I was a kid. When I was 8 a kid on the playground said, “At least I don’t belong in a salad!” And I immediately said, “At least I belong somewhere.”

I’ve had some pretty good comebacks in my life but I’m pretty sure I peaked early with that one.”

#9. One too many.

“The world has one too many of you.”

#8. The one with the catfight.

“I flashed back to that old commerical with the catfight. “You LINT LICKER!”

#7. So creative.

“Shouldn’t you be dumpster diving for ham scraps, you six piece chicken McNobody?”

#6. 15 years later.

“My mom use to be very Christian and refused to swear. One time she was mad at something and she angrily and completely seriously exclaimed “for shiver-me-timbers sakes!!”.

15 years later and it is still an active word in my vocabulary.”

#5. Drill instructor insult.

“My USMC drill instructor told me I was so ugly that I would make a train take a dirt road.”

#4. We’d both be wrong.

“You’re the reason your parents aren’t happy”

“I’d say you could learn from this, but then we’d both be wrong”

#3. Grades and looks.

“Your grades say “Marry rich” but your looks say “Try harder””

#2. Two more legs.

“If you had two more legs, you still wouldn’t be smart enough to find work as a table.”

#1. Through your ears.

“I bet the wind sounds lovely as it whistles through your ears.”