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People Divulge The Absolute Best Break Up Lines They’ve Ever Heard

Nobody likes pick-up lines delivered unironically.

We have no idea why Hollywood let people believe they actually work for anything other than a laugh (which might be a solid angle if you’re generally funny) but if you’re expecting someone to melt because you gave them a “How YOU doin’?” then you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Having said all that, the idea of something that functions as the opposite of a pick up line is something LOTS of people like.

Reddit user Jamicandude69 asked: 

“IF people used ‘break up lines’ instead of ‘pick up lines’ what would some of them be??”

Honestly, people are hilariously savage.

Enjoy!

Treasure

“They say one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.”

– giantcabbage_

“Dang, that one has sharp edges.”

– LettuceJizz

“Reminds me of ‘if only there was someone who actually loved you’ from Frozen 😭”

– kurt200

“That line was surprisingly savage for a kids’ movie.”

“I just remember loudly and involuntarily going ‘daaaaaamn dude’ when I watched it for the first time with my son.”

– dalevis

Weighing Me Down

“Hey, are you an anchor? Because you’ve done nothing but weigh me down.”

– ExistentialBob

“This’ll work great if you can work in relationSHIP, ya know to really nail home the ship pun.”

– Plasmashark4

“I don’t sea why not.”

– ExistentialBob

“I used this line in my wedding speech!”

” ‘I love you with all my heart. You’re like my anchor.’  *pause for group awww* ‘…you’re always weighing me down’ *room erupts in laughter* “

“Wife wasn’t as pleased, but I’m a sucker for a good laugh lol”

– brodo87

Bad Reception

“Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.”

– _iPood_

“I have a new pet name for you, baby. It’s ‘T-Mobile’ because we’re breaking up.”

– truth__bomb

“My dumbass would even realize I was being broken up with.”

“I would’ve been like ‘Nope, not going through a tunnel, must be spotty reception.’ “

– RiggityRyne

“This one is best used when said right to there face followed by fake static noises (think crumbling paper) “

– ramonpasta

Continental Drift

“Are we tectonic plates? Because we’re drifting apart.”

– comrade_batman

“The friction between us has left me crumpled and quaking with anger.”

– gaviniboom

“Are we a fault line? Cause all there is between us is friction and future devastation.”

– Devlee12

“The use of tectonic plates could also be used as the pick up line for the same person. For example:”

” ‘Are you a tectonic plate? Cause I’d love to to ram into you with force resulting in tremendous friction and heat.’ “

– [Reddit]

Covering Ground

“We need to cover more ground so we should split up.”

– HyperNathan

“Call me Fred because I’m honestly not sure if splitting up is the right decision right now. but it feels like it probably is.”

– allToast

“Hey girl, are we the Scooby-Doo gang? Because I think we should split up and look for new clues.”

– A-A-RONS7

Celestial Bodies

“You remind me of Halley’s Comet. I don’t wanna see you again for another 74 years.”

– Victim_of_Conscience

“So you’re telling me there’s a chance?”

– oatmeal28

“But I would like to see Halley’s Comet more often than that, and I would prefer to just never see my ex again…”

– sticktoyaguns

“You’re the sun of my life, so please stay 93.79 million miles away from me.”

– personbelowmeistrash

A New Issue

“Hey girl, are you a newspaper? Because there’s a new issue with you every f*cking day.”

– ghostofoutkast

“I had a guy once tell me I had more issues than a magazine.”

“I thought it was kinda clever, but we’d only been talking for a couple weeks and this was in response to my telling him I didn’t want to date, so I also thought it was a bit dramatic on his part.”

– MissBanana_

“Hey girl, are you a newspaper?”

“Because I’m replacing you with a better designed, more entertaining, cheaper way of getting what I need.”

– benchoderashka

“Hey girl, are you a newspaper? Because I’d like to leave you you laying in my driveway for weeks and run you over with my car a few times”

– panzershark

Time Share

“Hey babe are you a time share? Because I’ve been trying to get out of this for like 3 years. You’re a waste of f*cking money and you’re only available when I’m not.”

– WilliamMurderfacex3

“The maintenance fees are too high and nobody wants to trade.”

– NorseZymurgist

“And the only good times I have are blackout dates!”

– AncientMarinade

“.. and when I’m in you I’m always thinking about other places that are more fun.”

– OncewasaBlastocoel

Pure Poetry

“I knew this girl in middle school who would break up with boys by saying:”

” ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.’ “

– ledge-14

“Um… so I really wanna thank you for unlocking a core memory. That happened to me in elementary school and I was heart broken even at like age 7.”

– Imacultofpersonality

“Did you know me!?”

“I used this on 2 guys in middle school but they were dweebs. I wasn’t as great as I thought I was at the time.”

“Oh well.”

– ladymethis

Keepin’ It Classy

“I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.”

– bow2sensei

“That is so good. Wish I would have thought to say that as a parting line to my ex-wife!”

– Grace_Upon_Me

“I’m sure there’s a commercial playing right now, Totally Sauvage.”

– dontdoitdoitdoit

Evidence

“Are you a parking ticket? Because you’re evidence that I made a mistake.”

– maleorderbride

“This is actually my favorite. Thank you.”

– wiry1983

A Spark

“I once used this one to explain when pressed.

” ‘It’s like we’re an American outlet and a European plug. There were sparks at first but I just don’t get the energy.’ “

– mstrblueskys

We Deserved Better

“Hey girl are you season eight of Game of Thrones? Because I never want to see you again and hopefully I can forget you even exist.”

– 300ConfirmedShaves

Childhoods Ruined

“Hey girl, are you movies from my childhood?”

“Because I used to think you were cute and fun but now I see that you’re horrifying and inappropriate in all sorts of ways I never thought of back then.”

– ChronicBitRot

Got a break up line you want to add? Hit us up in the comments!

Written by Erica Diaz

Have you ever read something where you just KNOW the writer talks with their hands, does the sound effects, and would bust out a little dance if it suited the story?

That's Erica.

She's a colorful storyteller whose sense of humor and fearless honesty make a big impact. Her rants might go for the emotional jugular, hit your funny bone, or shock you and your mama out of your fajas. Usually it's all three.

Often chronicling her life in Florida, her stories are full of characters like "Bikini Rifle Lady", "Mariachi Neighbor," and "Barbara The NextDoor Evangelist." There's almost always a message in the madness, and that's what people connect with most.

Also her deep and undying love for Tevin Campbell.

You can find more of her work at www.EricaFazio.com