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I come from a pretty buttoned-up Midwestern family – we don’t talk openly about things like sex or…life, especially not with our grandparents.

But if Reddit is anything to go by, I’m practically alone in that. Look at this post:

My grandma once chastised me for wearing underwear to bed because I need to "let my taco air out". What bizarre advice have you gotten from the older and wiser? from AskReddit

To the delight and revulsion of all of us, there were thousands of replies in this thread. Here’s some input people received from their grandfathers in particular:

1. Amen.

My grandparents gave each of their grandkids money for college. Not a fortune, just a few hundred dollars a year to buy a couple books.

So I’m over my grandparents to get said money and my grandmother leaves the room to get her cheque book.

My grandfather motions me over and says, “Don’t make it with any Catholic girls because they don’t use birth control.” Nevermind the fact that we’re Catholic…

So my grandmother comes back and gives me a cheque and we talk and whatnot and as I go to leave, my grandfather yells out, “Get yourself some ‘jimmy-hats’ with that. F*ck I always hated those things, but these days they keep you from catching that AIDS.”

– Fuqwon

2. Bird is the word.

“If your bird touches the urinal, it will fall off.” -my grandfather

It took a while to shake the anxiety from peeing.

– [user deleted]

3.  Check out that username.

My entire family (50+ people) gathered for my Grandparent’s anniversary, as we knew my Grandma would not be with us much longer.

My Aunt asked my Grandpa the secret to their almost 60 year marriage.

The crowd of divorced and remarried and divorced and remarried hooligans hushed to hear his words. “Eat fish. And f*ck 5 times a week.”

My Grandma, barely awake due to the morphine, patted her husbands hand lovingly, nodded and gave me the last big grin I saw from her. She was gone a week later.

– Fish-x-5

4. Vroom vroom.

My grandfather once told me how to have sex on a motorcycle.

Awkward silence followed.

– ethnicallyambiguous

5. Them’s fightin’ words.

Always assume anyone who punches you has the will to kill you. Act accordingly and always treat a fight like its for your life. -Grandpa

– kegman83

6. Watch out.

My husband’s grandfather told us to never befriend any couples, because one wife will run off with the other husband and leave the other two sad and lonely.

We live with married housemates, I wonder what he thinks about us now…

– charcoal_feather

7. Um. Yes. Yes, I do.

Told my Grandfather that my wife was Pregnant again, a pause, a chuckle, “You know what causes that right? wink”

– zerbey

8. Cat got your tongue?

My grandfather is a very straight-laced individual. Was in the Navy in World War 2, raised a family of 7 kids, and in every other respect is just an older, Catholic Hank Hill minus the alcohol.

I was at his house helping him with a computer or something one day and his cat went up to its food bowl and started eating. My grandfather grabbed the cat’s tail and lifted its rear end a few inches off of the ground. The cat responded with a little meow/purr thing, a generally happy sounding noise. My grandfather turned to me slowly and said, “He likes it when I do that. I think it gives him some sort of…sexual thrill.”

Not sure if there’s any advice in there but it was pretty bizarre.

– mmmbacon914

9. Everything in moderation.

“Martinis are like t*ts. One isn’t enough and three is too many.” -grandpa b

– Dermisgermis

10. Light ’em up.

“A cigarette’s got fire on one end and a fool on the other.” –my grandpa when I was like 12

– Jim_Gaffigans_bacon

11. Wingman?

when i was in middle school, my grandfather told me, “get as much p*ssy as you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can. when you get to be my age, pretty girls ain’t nothin’ but eye candy.”

when i was a freshman in high school, he was visiting. my girlfriend was over, and my mom went to the store. she asked my grandfather to keep an eye on us, and informed him of the “open door” rule (about leaving my bedroom door open while she was over). he said, “what the h*ll? are you trying to raise an exhibitionist?” when my mom left, he called me downstairs and told me, “what the h*ll are you doin’ down here? get your *ss back up there and f*ck that little girl while you have the privacy to do it. who knows how long ’til your mother comes back?”

– yetzer_hara

12. Um…

Grandpas word of advice for me when I started dating a vegetarian “don’t let her lie to you, they may say they’re a vegetarian but at some point in their lives, all of them have meat In their mouths”

– neyxport

13. Gross.

Never tell your girlfriend/wife that she’s attractive. One day she’ll build up enough confidence to cheat on you with someone better looking.

Edit: For clarification; my recently divorced grandfather told me this. I don’t agree with it whatsoever.

– BroDontPokeThatBear

14. No use crying over it?

i was playing with flashlights at my grandfathers and he told me, ” stop spilling my milk.” he iterated further by saying, ” batteries are like milk. if you waste all your milk now you wont have any left for cereal later.”

– [user deleted]

15. Eternal mysteries.

My grandfather who died when I was four used to always walk tell people (including me) “Wet birds don’t fly at night.”

I still don’t know what the f*ck it means…

– OleToothless

I remember my grandpa once told me his mustache had special feelers. Not sure what that meant. Maybe I don’t want to know?

What’s a memorable bit of advice you’ve gotten from your grandpa?

Tell us in the comments.


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