We want you to come and get it! What on Earth is this crazy person talking about, you might be asking yourself? Well, I’m gonna fill you in!
We’re here today to present you with yet another batch of funny tweets that we’ve carefully hand-selected to make you laugh your *sses off!
What else do you need, really?
The answer is NOTHING. Nothing at all…
And we are almost 100% certain that these tweets will make you laugh so hard, you might not even have an *ss anymore…so just be sure to check when you’re done looking at this stuff, okay?
Okay, enough with the chit chat, let’s get it on!
1. Come on! Come on!
I thought this only happened in elevators…
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) April 19, 2018
2. Don’t pray for him anymore.
I think that’s enough! Thanks though!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him 🙁
— Dante Allegheny (@woodmuffin) January 9, 2013
3. Throw it back to you.
Is that cool?
Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you pic.twitter.com/qCoF30eEWK
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 7, 2017
4. You always have to check.
Just in case…
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn't taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
— Gayer, Angstier Aaron (@abgates7) May 22, 2018
5. Give me another.
And keep ’em coming!
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What'll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
— phil (@PhilJamesson) March 17, 2015
6. I think you’re getting a divorce.
Are you happy now?
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
— Duke Max “Carnival Lawyer” Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
7. He had to do it.
You know he couldn’t pass that up!
Son: "Mom, Dad.. I'm gay"
Mom: *staring at dad
Dad: …*clenches fists
Dad: *sweats profusely
Dad: HI GAY, IM DAD
— Guy Dangerous (@Lerky) October 24, 2015
8. That’s the good stuff!
More of that, please!
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
— Bryan Donaldson (@TheNardvark) December 25, 2013
9. Bill did it again.
He always makes it all about him.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
— Better things are possible (@InternetHippo) April 6, 2015
10. The pain I have caused others…
Take some time for yourself to reflect…
i enjoying mysekf by the lake, but then i remembered instances of regret in my life, and pain i have caused others pic.twitter.com/KASFAIIQWc
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) April 8, 2015
11. This is really all you need to know.
Get rid of all your other books.
These two books contain the sum total of all human knowledge pic.twitter.com/MF8ME8tJOM
— James Kirkpatrick (@James_Kpatrick) April 5, 2013
12. The candles number looks a little bit off.
Just a thought…
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
— wint (@dril) September 29, 2013
How about you?
Have you seen any funny tweets lately that you really love?
If so, please share them with us in the comments. Thanks!