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People Break Down The One Message They’d Send Telepathically To Everyone On Earth If They Could

Volodymyr Hryshchenko/Unsplash

The ability to send a telepathic message to everyone on earth may seem mighty tempting, but what would you actually say?

Would you tell people to be kind? Try to bring an end to war? Play a giant prank on the whole of humanity?

The possibilities are limited only by your imagination.

Redditor HarshJShinde asked:

“If you could telepathically say something that all 7.8 Billion people on earth could hear at once what would it be?”

No Escape

“WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU ABOUT YOUR CAR’S EXTENDED WARRANTY”

–rondoctor

“I always tell them I don’t have a car. Then they try to sell me life insurance lmao”

“The next time they try to sell me life insurance, I’m gonna ask them if they’re threatening me.”

–jcw10489

“Brah my car is 29 years old and they call me every week from a new number.”

–Redditor

“I literally just got 2 of those calls back to back within 5 minutes. And I can’t even not answer them since I have to take calls from work. It’s a pain in the ass to get any sleep.”

–SugoiBakaMatt

“Or the ‘IRS is going to press charges’ or whatever those calls are. Best part is, 95% of the world will have no idea what the IRS is, or have a very different interpretation.”

–boot2skull

“HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, MY CAR IS 18 YEARS OLD AND I BOUGHT IT FROM SOME SKETCHY DUDE THAT BARELY SPOKE ENGLISH AND DIDN’T SIGN THE TITLE. IT DOESN’T HAVE A WARRANTY.”

–illpicklater

Countdown To…?

“A countdown, starting at a decently high number… Let’s say 255. It would be in a monotone, androgynous voice, and everyone would hear it in their own language.”

“The countdown would stop at 6.”

–thehonestyfish

Just Testing

“Test message. Please ignore.”

–swanny52

“don’t panic guys. just the simulation developer testing code in production mode. classic mistake.”

–ashesofturquoise

“Honestly though, that would get conspiracy theorists going. ‘I told you the government is trying mind control'”

–StudMuffinNick

The Most Annoying Part Of YouTube

“‘According to my YouTube statistics, only a small percentage of my viewers are actually subscribed. So if you end up liking this video, please subscribe. It’s free, and you can always unsubscribe later. Also, there’s been a YouTube glitch that’s been going around that makes you unsubscribe randomly, so if you could just scroll down and check if you’re subscribed, it would help me out a lot. With that out of the way, let’s get on with the video.'”

-SeffboiProductions

“‘Hey guys welcome back to my channel…'”

–pure_combistion

“‘This video is sponsored by raid shadow legends'”

-Livid-Classroom

Ye Who Smelt It…

“‘Whomever just farted managed to disturb the eternal conscience'”

–_Trygon

Some People Just Want To Watch The World Burn

“‘You picked the correct religion. I am real, and this is the proof you’ve been asking for.'”

“Then I’d watch the world blow up.”

–watch_over_me

“all the atheists are gonna be completely stumped”

-AyeAye_Kane

“The reverse of this would be a lot better. ‘You picked the wrong one.'”

–ThePoultryWhisperer

“Damn, I almost like that better, lol. The whole world would just start freaking and going mad.”

–watch_over_me

“Thanks satan”

–The_gryphon_

Incoherent Screaming

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

“That’ll get the message across.”

–The_darter

Whoops

“Anything telepathic transmitted to every living human being on Earth without explanation would immediately be taken as the voice of God by the majority I’m sure.”

“Therefore, the only thing I’d say would be something along the lines of, ‘Whoops… sorry.'”

“EDIT: If, perhaps, this scenario was ongoing and the [mic] was left hot, I would probably maintain silence punctuated with a long series of well-timed Colin Robinson style annoying coughs that just… linger forever in the background of your mind.”

–Redditor

“‘Hey uhhh… I don’t usually do this but I just wanted to tell you all I’m sorry for… well you’ll see.'”

–TheHornyToothbrush

This One’s For The Programmers

“Hello world”

–lj_w

“You forgot the first part. ‘import universe as unv'”

–darklotus_26

Special Containment Procedures

“The following is a message composed via consensus of the O5 Council.”

“For those who are not currently aware of our existence, we represent the organization known as the SCP Foundation. Our previous mission centered around the containment and study of anomalous objects, entities and other assorted phenomena. This mission was the focus of our organization for more than one-hundred years.”

“Due to circumstances outside of our control, this directive has now changed. Our new mission will be the extermination of the human race.”

“There will be no further communication.”

–thatguysmellsalot

“Oh, sh*t, I like this one. Not even just a general ‘Hi, we exist’ but an excerpt from one of the SCP stories. I believe it’s called ‘A spectator at the end of the world’ or something similar.”

–FuzzieMonkie

Eternal Ear-worm

“‘Remember the time where Mambo No. 5 wasn’t stuck in your head?'”

–oliverklozov_

“‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is Mambo No. 5′”

–crisantocaz

“Some people just want to watch the world burn”

–NameRogue

That’s A Negative

“‘Don’t do it.'”

“Could save some lives. Could stop some petty crime. Could prevent a perfectly good wedding from happening. Who knows? Results would be interesting.”

–prophetuscaecus

“Imagine how many people wouldn’t microwave their burritos for dinner.”

–Redditor

More Impossible Ear-worms

“Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, A tale of a fateful trip That started from this tropic port Aboard this tiny ship.”

“The mate was a mighty sailing man, The skipper brave and sure. Five passengers set sail that day For a three hour tour, a three hour tour…..”

–dorvann

“Alright this, BUT”

“‘This is a story all about how, my life got flip turned upside down….'”

–TheHeresyTrain

It’s All A Simulation

“Act out a conversation between 2 people talking about shutting down the simulation, then freak out about accidentally broadcasting the conversation in the simulation.”

–King_Kezza

“One of my first experiences of sleep paralysis was essentially that only it ended with them deciding to make me think it was a dream.”

–a_stack_of_9_turtles

Get That Bread

“Not going to lie, I’m selling this massive advertising opportunity to the highest bidder.”

–freecain

“RAID: Shadow Legends”

–The__IT__Guy

“With telepathy like this you want to make sure your mind is secure. That’s why I use nord vpn.”

–IBeBallinOutaControl

“And thus, everyone on earth telepathically heard a voice say ‘Not going to lie, I’m selling this massive advertising opportunity to the highest bidder’.”

–ancientweird

“Tonight’s dreamscape brought to you by Nord VPN. Get the new Nord VPN brain bundle to protect yourself from nightmares.”

-Shadowedsphynx

Taking A Page Out Of Donnie’s Book

“’28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds.'”

–4GotMyFathersFace

“I’m beginning to seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion!”

–henREE_13

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

“People of Earth, your attention, please. This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system. And regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you.”

–botchman

There’s no point in acting all surprised about it. All the planning charts and demolition orders have been on display in your local planning department on Alpha Centauri for fifty of your Earth years, so you’ve had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint and it’s far too late to start making a fuss about it now.”

–Stompya

“What do you mean you’ve never been to Alpha Centauri? For heaven’s sake, mankind, it’s only four light years away, you know. I’m sorry, but if you can’t be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, that’s your own lookout. Energize the demolition beams.”

–Luxray1000

Whatever you would choose to say, everyone can agree this would be a world-altering event.

Choose wisely.

Written by Winn Sioux Christnot-Peters

Winn Sioux Christnot-Peters is a writer/web designer and aspiring librarian based in Northern Maine. When not writing or in class, they devote much of their time to multiple non-profit organizations, largely focusing on LGBTQ+ rights and animal welfare. During rare moments of free time Winona enjoys video and tabletop games, as well as various nerdy fiber crafts such as crocheting (mainly amigurumi Pokémon, cat toys, and blankets) and counted cross stitch.