There are certain jokes out there that are just timeless. No matter how many times you hear them, how many views you rack up on the video, or how many times you relate it to your friends, you can’t help but crack up.
I humbly submit these tweets under that same category.
DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT pic.twitter.com/Kr48zBcL1m
— Klaudia Amenábar (@kaludiasays) August 2, 2017
16. People’s minds, I swear…
Pleasure to meet you. The name's… pic.twitter.com/Auq5ynNTHJ
— Jay 🖖 (@jaybn1) August 18, 2016
15. I hope they’re being paid union wages
Shark week is actually the safest time to go to the beach because all the sharks are busy being on TV
— Eric Thomas (@EricThomas_311) July 24, 2017
14. Also don’t buy a duvet cover
CHANGING YOUR DUVET COVER
-remember to use your energy sparingly. It's a marathon, not a sprint
-make sure you stay hydrated
— Manytypesoftea (@manytypesoftea) July 15, 2017
13. What even?!
When you're struggling to reach the word count whilst writing an essay pic.twitter.com/czr48f5EYT
— Dan (@DanielWhitear) May 18, 2017
12. A wise man
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I'm having an affair
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 18, 2016
11. I can’t
Congratulations to the happy couple! pic.twitter.com/sVQyAv7GOb
— Tettra™ (@tettracat) July 29, 2017
10. Among other things
STOP ENCOURAGING EVERYONE TO GO TO COLLEGE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH PARKING
— Austin Sawyer (@austy23) August 29, 2017
9. Right? Ew.
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
— denise (@Stellacopter) April 16, 2013
8. Life lessons…
I’ve learned in my 27 years of life that you cannot send 2 questions to a man in the same text message, or separate messages before receiving a reply to the first one. You will only get an answer to one of your questions. Simple creatures. Slow down for them.
— peach (@paigelokkesmoe) March 11, 2019
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
— a ghost, online (@AbrasiveGhost) April 16, 2016
6. As one does…
Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he's not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room pic.twitter.com/wfOeVUm7yW
— Deno DeMartino (@Deno_Tron) July 1, 2017
every morning I ask the dog "the usual?" before pouring her food into her bowl & neither of us thinks it's funny but that's showbiz baby
— dalton day (@lilghosthands) September 10, 2017
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013
Behind every strong woman is 5 other strong women who proofread her email real quick when they had a second
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) April 25, 2016
2. If this doesn’t make you snort… what’s wrong with you?!
Jesus out here looking like a SNACK pic.twitter.com/XrTQxOYzRb
— 『Hannah Hotpocket』 (@jaredtheunseen) February 24, 2018
1. This is one of the weirdest things humans do!
Me setting my alarm for every 5 minutes in the morning pic.twitter.com/TjCBc9hPcY
— Shania Twink 🤠 (@syrianbryn) September 11, 2017